C-Section Scheduled for Friday

This post is bittersweet.

On Tuesday, we had our 39 week doctor appointment. First, we went in for the NST, which went well. Baby did need some stimulating, though. They have this little instrument, like a little horn on a speaker, that they hold up to your belly and try to startle baby with in order to get him moving. But he responded to it, so all was good. The only thing that wasn't good was my blood pressure. I was not surprised by this, because I had a lot riding on this appointment. The information we got from it could make or break my VBAC, so naturally, I was a bit anxious. They took my BP again after about 20 minutes and it was better, but still a bit high.

So after the NST, we went in to the exam room to wait for the doctor. She came in and checked my cervix, which, to my dismay, was still very high and closed up. She said she didn't even think she could call it 1 cm. I was confused because last week she said I was at 1 cm, but she said that last time she was being generous. She then sat down and told me that she doesn't think that a VBAC is going to happen. She's concerned that if we wait, my high BP is going to give way to pre-eclampsia, and that her medical opinion is that we should have a c-section toward the end of the week. I instantly started crying. I don't want a c-section. She then proceeded to tell me how she never really thought I would have a successful VBAC, but was willing to let me try. She said it was our choice, but at 39 weeks, baby is "better out than in".

She gave J and I some time alone in the exam room to discuss our options and what we'd like to do. J was ready to take the doctor's word as gospel, and do the c-section. Of course, he's not the one who has to deal with the physical and emotional repercussions of that decision. And he hasn't done nearly the amount of research that I've done on the topic. I know he's worried about me and the baby, but he clearly doesn't understand or feel that my concerns are valid. We discussed (argued) for a while, and I finally conceded. When the doctor came back in, she said she was going to admit me to L&D to be monitored for a few hours and get some blood work done to look for signs of pre-eclampsia. Plus, that would give us more time to discuss things.

Well, I decided to stay strong. I didn't want to feel as though I was being pushed into a c-section, when I feel so very strongly about NOT having one. So I said no. I'm not having a c-section. So when the doctor came to our hospital room to check on me, I told her that I was not ready to commit to a c-section yet, and we scheduled an ultrasound for Friday, followed by another appointment with the doctor. Then on Monday, we would do another NST and have an appointment with our new doctor (since my doctor is going on maternity leave next week). I made sure to ask her, just in case, what to do if we changed our minds and decided to schedule a c-section, and she said to just call.

After I was discharged from the hospital, J and I talked more about waiting vs scheduling a repeat c-section. At this point, I was just getting so worn down by the whole thing, that for some reason (which I'm having trouble remembering now) I decided it would be okay to just schedule it. So today, we called. And our baby's birthday will officially be this Friday, July 8th.

And it's scheduled at noon. This was another disappointment for me because my dad has to work at 1pm that day. His job is not one that really allows day off. That sounds weird, but I'm not kidding. It would mean a lot to me if he would be able to meet his new grandson before he had to leave. But apparently that was the only time she was available on Friday, so that may not happen. However, sometimes they get called for work late, like 2 or 3pm, so I'm really crossing my fingers that that's what will happen.

When I spoke to the doctor, I asked her a few specific questions about the process. My first request was that after J and the baby leave for the nursery, that my mom be able to come in and stay with me for the remainder of the surgery. Last time I felt so alone in there, without my husband and without my baby, making small talk with the nurses while I was being stitched up. That was hard for me. But to my dismay, the doctor said no, that wasn't possible. Apparently not even J would be allowed to stay for that part. Again, I cried. Here I am, trying to make this c-section experience, which I don't even want to being with, easier to take, and I can't even do that. The one request she did consent to was pulling the curtain down when it's time for baby to come out so I can see him enter the world. Moms who give birth vaginally get to experience that, so why shouldn't I?

I am so very excited to meet my sweet baby boy, but I also feel a deep loss for the birth experience that I'll never have. This is not how I wanted to do it, but it's going to happen anyway. And even though I've heard that recovering from a second c-section is 10 times easier, I have a hard time seeing how I'm going to do it with a toddler and a newborn at home.

Anyway, I can't really go into my feelings very much right now because I just feel so emotionally drained. Now I just need to focus on getting ready for baby to come home. Tomorrow will be a busy day full of packing, making plans, and making sure everything is in order and ready to go.

Jumping on another train of thought - I wonder what he'll look like? Will he have light hair and blue eyes like me and Isaac, or will he have dark hair and eyes like his dad? It might be hard to tell at first, because Isaac had very dark hair when he was born and most babies are born with blue eyes.

I can't wait to meet my little boy and show him off to the world!